Kim Jong-Un the fattest North Korean of them all

After a long battle against heart disease, Kim Jong-Il, the General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea, Chairman of the National Defense Commission of North Korea, and the Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, died at the age of 70. Since 1994 he had ruled on North Korea just as his father, Kim Il-Sung had done: starving the masses, lying to everyone, and progressing backwards technologically. But now that he is dead, what will happen?

Ever since the supreme leader’s death, his son the creatively named Kim Jong-Un has taken over most of his father’s positions. If Un¹  continues his father and grandfather’s trend, we expect that by the time he dies the country will no longer have a population to starve and will have been firmly cemented in the Stone Age.

But Kim Jong-Un was not always on the path to “Supreme Comrade and Dear Leader of North Korea.” He had two brothers, both older than him, who also wanted to rule this industrial apocalyptic wasteland. However, while Un was studying in Switzerland (the only country that is neutral in the conflict between North and South Korea), both of his brothers fell out of favor with Kim Jong-Il. This was because one did not look enough like his father, and the other was too much “like a little girl” and wanted to visit Disney Land Japan. Seriously. This left only Un, the youngest of the three, to lead this country which’s military parades would make any synchronized swimmer proud.

This little dictator is also hiding a secret that could shame his father and his country: Kim Jong-Un is obsessed with basketball and Michael Jordan. This country, which adamantly despises the USA, now has a leader who is coo-coo for the NBA.

‘tis the season for love, and with Valentine’s day just around the corner we also had to talk a bit about our four star general’s love life. Women are of no interest to Un, who is rather interested in quite another domain. During his time in a boarding school in Switzerland (he failed of his classes there except math) he was found more than once with pornographic bondage magazines. As Rihanna once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.”

To top it all off, Dim Jong-Un² has a nuclear arsenal at his command, and a million man army to back it up. Where is this pathetic country heading too?

1.      Since only the last two letters of Kim Jong-Un’s name distinguish his name from his father’s, brothers’, and grandfather’s (somewhat) this is what he will be called in this article.

2.      This was the name his frustrated classmates in Switzerland gave him.